Friday, September 19, 2003
Biased Brent Coverage
Cut into jerry built studio with John Soft Soap behind a desk, and three bored politicians sitting next to one another.
John Soft Soap
Good morning and welcome to BBC News 24's coverage of the Brent bye-election.
Tonight the Tories are reeling as once again they seem set to badly fail to take Brent East
My panel tonight consists of Ed Anonymous the Liberal Democrat spokesman for Low Profiles, Nick Drizzle the Government minister for eye-popping council tax rises and the Tory Chairman, sorry Chairwoman, Theresa Maybesackedsoon. I apologise to our governors, I mean viewers, for the last guest, but it seems like that's the law. We checked.
So let's kick the Tories, I mean kick this off. Nick Drizzle, it looks like you may soon lose one of your safest seats, doesn't that make it a terrible night for the Tories?
Absolutely terrible for them. If they can't win Brent East they've no chance in places like Sedgefield, Liverpool Wavetree or Glasgow Govan. It can only mean one thing, Iain Duncan Smith must resign.
Well, Ed Anonymous, are you there? Sorry I couldn't see you in your seat.
Thank you, I'm practicing hiding.
Bad night for the Tories?
Terrible. Brent East is there 450th most winnable seat and they've muffed it. This will be a stunning victory for the Lib Dims as we overturn a massive Labour majority ...
Excuse me, may I remind you where we are. This isn't ITV you know.
I'm sorry. This is a terrible day for the Tories.
I mean they have a classic bye-election squeeze on their vote and they only managed to keep their vote stable.
We actually have some history here. In Greenwich in 1987, SDP challenger in a former safe Tory seat, their share of the vote halved and this time round they do worse by plummeting two percent.
Theresa Maybequitebatty, don't you want to crawl up and die for being a Tory scumbag? It's clear from the coming result that if Labour start losing seats like this you'll be wiped off the face of the earth. And good riddance.
Well I think that the main story is the collapse of the Labour...
Excuse me, my job is to hold the government to account. The job of the official opposition is to apologise for their very existence.
But Labour seem set to lose one of their...
I'm sorry but Nick Drizzle has just muttered "desperate" under his breath, so I must cut to him.
This tactic is plainly a smoke screen by the Tories to divert us from the fact that they're on the cusp of losing their safest...
Sorry, wrong script.
What I meant is that they're on the cusp of humiliatingly holding their vote. And that is the real story. Any talk of a Labour collapse is a diversion from this most important story.
Ed, so desperate moves from the Tories?
Silence for thirty seconds
What was that?
It's my new silent speaking technique.
Very good, I've forgotten you already.
The Tories are certainly desperate. The Brent result shows that we are shunting them out of the way everywhere. Brent East is clearly a template for Chingford, Maidstone East and Worthing West. It's time to go back to our constituencies and prepare for government, as we've been doing since 1979.
You really think that you'll form the next government?
No, but I'm usually in bed by 10.30 so I start going incoherent when staying up so late.
Like you were over the war?
Absolutely not. Our position on the war is clear cut. Leading up to it, it was unpopular so we opposed it, while it was on people backed it so we supported it, and now people are getting tired of the occupation we're against it again. We have a clear policy on this, we say what people want to hear.
I'll weakly go along with Theresa on this as I don't know how to attack the Lib-Dims.
We're just going to cut into the count.
TV screen with Rita Minority-Quota on
You're a bit early John. This is an inner London Labour borough, they need three times the amount of people and twice the time to count the votes as anywhere else.
What, you mean they had a bigger ballot paper?
That's what I was saying, and the fact that half the council worker's at the count can't read their own names.
Reaching out to the illiterate minority in Labour Brent?
Yes, they've recruited the Inner London Teacher's Association to help count the votes.
Cut back to the studio
We apologise to our viewers who were tuning in expecting to watch the paint drying championships on BBC1 to come across something that miraculously manages to be even more tedious. Viewers who have not gone into a coma may be interested to know that a film of real time grass growing is on BBC2 to showcase the exciting offerings of BBC4.
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