Airstrip One

Biased Brent Coverage

Cut into jerry built studio with John Soft Soap behind a desk, and three bored politicians sitting next to one another.

John Soft Soap

Good morning and welcome to BBC News 24's coverage of the Brent bye-election.

Tonight the Tories are reeling as once again they seem set to badly fail to take Brent East

My panel tonight consists of Ed Anonymous the Liberal Democrat spokesman for Low Profiles, Nick Drizzle the Government minister for eye-popping council tax rises and the Tory Chairman, sorry Chairwoman, Theresa Maybesackedsoon. I apologise to our governors, I mean viewers, for the last guest, but it seems like that's the law. We checked.

So let's kick the Tories, I mean kick this off. Nick Drizzle, it looks like you may soon lose one of your safest seats, doesn't that make it a terrible night for the Tories?

Drizzle

Absolutely terrible for them. If they can't win Brent East they've no chance in places like Sedgefield, Liverpool Wavetree or Glasgow Govan. It can only mean one thing, Iain Duncan Smith must resign.

Soft Soap

Well, Ed Anonymous, are you there? Sorry I couldn't see you in your seat.

Anonymous

Thank you, I'm practicing hiding.

Soft Soap

Bad night for the Tories?

Anonymous

Terrible. Brent East is there 450th most winnable seat and they've muffed it. This will be a stunning victory for the Lib Dims as we overturn a massive Labour majority ...

Soft Soap

Excuse me, may I remind you where we are. This isn't ITV you know.

Anonymous

I'm sorry. This is a terrible day for the Tories.

I mean they have a classic bye-election squeeze on their vote and they only managed to keep their vote stable.

Soft Soap

We actually have some history here. In Greenwich in 1987, SDP challenger in a former safe Tory seat, their share of the vote halved and this time round they do worse by plummeting two percent.

Theresa Maybequitebatty, don't you want to crawl up and die for being a Tory scumbag? It's clear from the coming result that if Labour start losing seats like this you'll be wiped off the face of the earth. And good riddance.

Mayhaveembarrassingshoes

Well I think that the main story is the collapse of the Labour...

Soft Soap

Excuse me, my job is to hold the government to account. The job of the official opposition is to apologise for their very existence.

Maynotknowthescore

But Labour seem set to lose one of their...

Soft Soap

I'm sorry but Nick Drizzle has just muttered "desperate" under his breath, so I must cut to him.

Drizzle

This tactic is plainly a smoke screen by the Tories to divert us from the fact that they're on the cusp of losing their safest...

Soft Soap

What?

Drizzle

Sorry, wrong script.

What I meant is that they're on the cusp of humiliatingly holding their vote. And that is the real story. Any talk of a Labour collapse is a diversion from this most important story.

Soft Soap

Ed, so desperate moves from the Tories?

Silence for thirty seconds

Soft Soap

What was that?

Anonymous

It's my new silent speaking technique.

Soft Soap

Very good, I've forgotten you already.

Anonymous

The Tories are certainly desperate. The Brent result shows that we are shunting them out of the way everywhere. Brent East is clearly a template for Chingford, Maidstone East and Worthing West. It's time to go back to our constituencies and prepare for government, as we've been doing since 1979.

Soft Soap

You really think that you'll form the next government?

Anonymous

No, but I'm usually in bed by 10.30 so I start going incoherent when staying up so late.

Maybebored

Like you were over the war?

Anonymous

Absolutely not. Our position on the war is clear cut. Leading up to it, it was unpopular so we opposed it, while it was on people backed it so we supported it, and now people are getting tired of the occupation we're against it again. We have a clear policy on this, we say what people want to hear.

Drizzle

I'll weakly go along with Theresa on this as I don't know how to attack the Lib-Dims.

Soft Soap

We're just going to cut into the count.

TV screen with Rita Minority-Quota on

Minority-Quota

You're a bit early John. This is an inner London Labour borough, they need three times the amount of people and twice the time to count the votes as anywhere else.

Soft Soap

What, you mean they had a bigger ballot paper?

Minority-Quota

That's what I was saying, and the fact that half the council worker's at the count can't read their own names.

Soft Soap

Reaching out to the illiterate minority in Labour Brent?

Minority-Quota

Yes, they've recruited the Inner London Teacher's Association to help count the votes.

Cut back to the studio

Soft Soap

We apologise to our viewers who were tuning in expecting to watch the paint drying championships on BBC1 to come across something that miraculously manages to be even more tedious. Viewers who have not gone into a coma may be interested to know that a film of real time grass growing is on BBC2 to showcase the exciting offerings of BBC4.

TV Switched off to avoid terminal boredom